It’s Christmas Eve, and nearly three months since I’ve posted on my blog. It’s a good thing this isn’t my livelihood or I’d be living in a van down by the river. Or in my case in a civic by the beach.
Work and school kept me busy, but the main culprit behind my lack of writing was some emotional crap that decided to boil up to the surface and demand my energy. I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t, and it got me.
For the most part, I am confident and positive. I don’t get bogged down easily and I keep my chin up. I try to keep moving forward and often have an abundance of energy and ambition. But the last couple of months the full impact of my divorce kicked me hard and kept me down.
The problem is not that I’m getting divorced. It’s actually a relief and I am the one who filed, in case you’re wondering. And I’ll spare you that story for now, because that’s not what this post is about. The bigger problem is that the ending of my marriage has kept me distant from God. And God is the one who loves me, accepts me, strengthens me, encourages me and basically keeps me out of jail and/or the asylum.
Mainly I have been functioning as if I don’t know him. Oh sure, I went through the motions. I can live my “Christian life” on autopilot. I know how to pray with people and for people and all that. I can lead a small group, oh, and work at a church. But in my quiet time – when I’m by myself – I haven’t felt connected to God in weeks.
There is a phrase that comes to mind: If God feels far away, guess who moved? Yep, it’s true. He didn’t move. It was me. And I had not really felt like sharing all of that because I have this great reputation of being God’s girl and all. Being transparent and vulnerable is the last thing I wanted to do. It was too scary.
Luke 2 says, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.” I’ve heard that and read it dozens of times. Even Linus knows this one.
But I’m ready to not be afraid, and even more ready for some good news.
I have been forcing myself to lean in a little closer to rediscover this Jesus that I know. And I’m happy to report he is still here! He still loves me even though I have been far from loveable lately. That is the beauty about his grace and unconditional love. I can’t earn it, and I can’t lose it either. It’s just there. I have known it in my head, but it’s seeping its way back into my heart.
I’ve probably been off the grid too long for my thoughts to be missed. And you are probably all running around like maniacs buying more stuff or wrapping said stuff and will not have a moment to read this. And that’s ok. This blog has more to do with me writing than it does you reading it anyway.
But if you have read this far, I would encourage you to pause this Christmas. Stop for just a few moments and breathe. Think about what it all means. And I’m not talking about the “church” answers. I’m talking about your heart, and mine.
He is Emmanuel. God with us. Jesus is here, and that really does mean something for me. It gives me great hope and encouragement. I hope it does for you too.
I’m so very grateful. And I hope you have the Merriest Christmas yet!
Until next time…