This can be an illusive state, yes? The ever precious balance, peace and harmony we all crave. I didn’t even know about this concept until I began to recognize how crazy my life was. I’ve been striving for contentment ever since.
I notice the lack of contentment when life is at full throttle. Maybe you know this gear – burning the candle at both ends, scrambling around like a maniac? When I enter in this pace, I end up completely frustrated, aggravated, sad, obsessed, exhausted, or otherwise ready for an entire bottle of wine and a loud rant. It’s gross that somehow that state of being used to seem normal.
: usual or ordinary : not strange
: mentally and physically healthy
So if the usual is crazy, it can seem normal. Familiar chaos is still chaos.
Finding healthy is like finding the balance on a teeter totter. Contentment is in the middle, with excitement (which is often crazy with sleek packaging) on one end and boring on the other. I don’t need crazy – but I also don’t want boring, because it’s so, well, boring! My lack of peace drives me past the fulcrum of contentment and directly to the opposite end – the chaotic “normal”.
How am I finding balance? It’s not easy, but I’m discovering it more when I manage myself and my time well. Lately I am intentionally scheduling times of rest. In my old life, if there was an open slot, I would fill it up quick. Call someone (anyone), make plans, go out, make myself crazy – get away from boredom and get there fast. I didn’t stop. Not ever. In fact I was often double booked – which is a special kind of deranged. Then I could brag about how busy (and therefore important) I was, am.
An afternoon to myself felt too dull. What would I ever do? How lackluster was my own company!? I needed the distraction of other people, places and things. Hang out alone? Oh gosh, that was terrifying. I wanted better company than I could provide. I would buddy up with anyone to avoid those times of solitude. Healthy or toxic, it made no difference, others were preferred over self.
That behavior, my friends, is codependency. Eventually I figured out that I didn’t enjoy toxic people, and began shifting away and towards healthier pals. I’m learning to include myself in the lineup of healthy.
I am a work in progress, and I can now proudly report that I enjoy my own company. The more I invest in developing myself, the more I crave those times of just being alone. An afternoon at the beach or winding my way through a thrift shop are such joys when I enjoy the company I keep.
My friend Susan put it this way, “I’d rather be alone than wish I was.” This does not mean I’m about to enter hermit mode. I am a total extrovert, but with all that outward energy spent comes the necessity of recharging my batteries.
Life is too short to miss out on the things I really want to do. So, it is just fine if I don’t have a wing man. No need for chaos disguised as excitement. Uneventful is no longer boring. I can stop midway now. I am content with flying solo.
What is the challenge today? To be a person you want to spend time with! To become interesting and fascinating and most importantly content.
Thanks for reading, until next time,